Family Outreach Publications
Pine Forge, Pennsylvania
CONTENTS
Chapter
Introduction
I The Scent of Love
II When Victims Marry
III Making Peace With Your Past
IV When God Says You're OK
V How Men and Women Compare (Brain sex)
VI Celebrating Intimate Behavior In Marriage
VII The Beauty of Sexual Love
VIII Thirteen Beatitudes For Husbands
IX Twelve Commandments for Wives From Husbands Prospectives
X Remarriage and Stepparenting
XI Twelve Guidelines for Good Communication
XII Types of Fastidious Husbands
XIII Perspectives on Health and Marriage
XIV Critical Concerns of Married Women
XV Women Between A Rock and a Hard Place
INTRODUCTION
THE NATURE OF MARRIAGE
When victims marry both husbands and wives are placed
at distinct disadvantages. Both look forward to having their mates
to resolve the long-term problems that have been perceived as needs
or deficits. Both risk disappointment.
The social institution in which a man and woman
decides to make a legal commitment and to take religious vows to
live together in a close, connected, enduring relationship is known
as marriage. In the beginning marriage was instituted as a loving
relationship to supply companionship. From birth individuals crave
association with a warm parent or companion. A companion is able
to accompany, understand and live with another in the capacity of
a helpful friend. Ideally, sound marriages frequently progress from
a period of discovery when couples first meet to the development
of a casual friendship, followed by becoming good friends and then
romantic friends. This was probably the sequence of affairs that
preceded marriages during Bible times and currently in countries
in which parents still play a part in mate selection. In America
marriage tends to proceed from romance, infatuation "in which reality
recedes and fantasy dominates" and often leads to marital disillusion
(Ables & Brandsma, 1977, p.2).
Marriage is a relationship derived from a spiritual,
emotional, social & physical connection between a man and woman.
It is a relationship that is influenced by bonding. Bonding is the
force that unites people and emphasizes the strong enduring quality
of love. Marriage is also influenced by conscious and unconscious
needs. Many felt needs originated in early childhood but are projected
onto marital partners as deserved expectations. Unfulfilled expectations
lead to feelings of disappointment and unhappiness with marital
partners. We must ultimately realize that the patterns of behavior
that we develop in families of origin may play a part in the way
we think, believe, feel and behave, but the final decision to act
is a personal one. Therefore each spouse in a couple relationship
must be individually and mutually responsible.
The marriage relationship entails a lifetime of
change and adjustment. There are no perfect relationships. Marital
partners all have a combination of qualities that are liked and
disliked. Couples who learn to focus more on qualities that are
appreciated than on those that are undesirable usually adjust better.
Some of the very same characteristics that once pleased a spouse
may later add to displeasure. Mary loved Joe because he was so calm,
predictable and dependable. She later complained that he was hopelessly
boring. Couples must continuously work on their marriages. They
must learn to deal with changes in feelings. Feelings are expected
to change. Couples must realistically assess what is wanted in life
- what are the life goals, interests, socio-cultural conditions,
religious backgrounds and traits of the families of origin. Couples
must realize that "good marriages" without adequate care can deteriorate
and "bad marriages" with ample dedication, hard work and spiritual
nurture and therapeutic intervention can improve.
With the rapid escalation of marital conflict, violence,
separation and divorce, it is high time that more intensified methods
of helping married couples cope effectively be instituted. Marital
disharmony has the potential to weaken the most basic structure
of society - the family. When marriage between couples disintegrate
family unity vanishes, homes become fragmented, children become
disillusioned, Christian rules and values are undermined and society
at large becomes chaotic.
Marriage was designed to be a stable relationship
based on love and faith. However, since marital partners are unique
they will differ and have some disagreements. Marital counseling
operates on the premise that positive change, flexibility, and collaboration
can improve marital relationships. Psycho-therapy is directed toward
helping couples understand themselves better as individuals and
as spouses. Since the emphasis will be practical, minimal theory
will be used and then only as a means to enhance understanding of
relational dynamics. The scope of this book will focus on improving
problem behavior interaction and communication that create emotional
discomfort in marriage. It will not address deep pathological disorders
that impact on marriage. A group approach is most often indicated
with both members of the couples dyad attending together. The method
of improving marriages will be pschoeducation.
In keeping with the usual progression of marriage
that begins with fantasy-boy meets girl, becomes attracted, falls
in love syndrome, we will begin by clarifying what is meant by love.
Faulty beliefs and distorted thinking can create
intense feelings of dis-satisfaction in marriage. Disappointed expectations
and perceived need debits often are blamed on childhood trauma by
psychoanalytic proponents. Interpersonal problems resulted from
inner conflict. J. B. Watson changed the focus of psychology from
the study of psychoanalytic inner emotional drives and uncontrollable
instincts to the study of the outer observable environmental stimulus
and behavioral responses known as Behaviorism. He held that fear
and anxiety are learned responses and can be unlearned. He challenged
Freuds theory that postulated emotional and mental problems resulted
from the emotional trauma inflicted on individuals by abusive parents
in early childhood. Such a stance was considered to be sentimental
speculation. The problem with Watson's Theory was that he completely
discredited the influence of emotions on behavior since emotions
could not be observed and empirically measured. The views of Watson
often made behavioral scientists seem cold, impersonal and insensitive
to the feelings of clients.
Contemporary behaviorists tend to be more liberal
and are more congruent with the idea that emotions also need to
be considered as an important element in mental health. It probably
took the scientific research of Selye (1978) on stress to convince
many behaviorist the relevancy of emotional affect on health. Selye
showed that physical stressors and psychological stressors both
had the capacity to impact on the physiological functioning of the
generalized adaptive system and to deplete adaptive energy. In severe
cases of distress, physical illness, mental illness and death can
ensue due to severe continual mental anguish, pain and emotional
suffering as often occur in destructive marital relationships.
Reference
Ables, Billies & Brandsma, Jeffrey M. (1977). Therapy
for couples. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass Publishers.
Selye, Hans. (1978). The stress of life. New York:
McGraw-Hill Book Co.
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